It’s official. I’ve tracked down all three of my Xanga accounts from high school up til I joined DEP for the Navy. The last entry I had ever made into this blogsite was through my account callmeserendipitous on Nov 17, 2008 after I moved back to Waukegan from El Paso. After that entry, I think I had forgotten all about it.

I was reading through all of them. Callmeserendipitous doesn’t have quite as many entries as L00k4m3 or LovEmotionless but it was only up and running for about a year, maybe two. LovEmotionless and L00k4m3 were with me throughout my entire HS career, 2004 - 2007.

Before I rediscovered my old journal sites, I had thought I was only sad beginning in college. I have been enlightened to myself and to my closed off mind. I was sad as a freshman and there are hints that I’ve been sad and depressed my entire life. I have been an angry person as well. There’s so much hatred in the words I wrote, so much judgment. More than those, so much fear of being alone and forgotten and resentment towards my family. I’ve had these feelings brewing within me for a very very long time. It seems I’ve only forgotten when they started. But even knowing that these sentiments have existed for more than 6 years already, that shows there is a massive problem and this will not be an easy fix. How did it really come to this point, I still have no real clue. Maybe it really is just something people are born with. Maybe these feelings really are hereditary. What else could have happened to make me this way? My life could not have been as bad as I remember. But these postings I’ve been reading aren’t necessarily memories but documentations of events as they happened give or take a day or two between.

Apparently, this eating thing has been a problem since I was a sophomore in HS too. I thought I had just started not being as hungry as normal people usually are. Wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about something. I guess being active doesn’t really affect my hunger either because I was very sporty my sophomore year what with tennis and badminton and all that jazz.

This feeling of entrapment has been with me for a long time as well. But I knew that one already. It’s hard to feel free when you know you’re not and never have been.

We spent so many days at the lake during the summer of 2005. I miss those days, when everything could be forgotten, when there was nothing to worry about. I miss being able to escape whenever I wanted to, not have to worry about working everyday, disregarding the fact that my parents didn’t want me to have friends, walking and biking to the lake. I miss the illusion of happiness that only disappeared as the sun went down and I got sucked back into the black hole that was my home while everyone else got to stay on their side of town and make more memories without me in them.

No wonder I’m not a happy person. I grew up jealous of everyone else and their ability to live. And who else do I have to blame for that besides my parents? I could blame myself but that wouldn’t be accurate. When you’re younger, you’re expected to listen to the parental units. My sister got away with blowing them off and doing what she wanted but I always got the brunt of that choice of hers. They swung that hammer down and it always landed on me. So much resentment that has been built after all these years.

How am I to free myself now?