In honor of this holiday that reminds us all of that one thing we are all really searching for, I present to you an old photo of mine.
I forgot what I titled this, what the assignment theme was supposed to be… I shot this when I was a sophomore in high school. I don’t know where that box is or where any of the random assortment of contents have ended up. I don’t even know where the negative for this assignment is, if it still exists. I miss photography and the days where it was my life and all I wanted to do. That life has been put on hold. Just a little over 5 years left until I can go back to what I love… but a lot can change in so much time.
Who are we kidding? A lot can change a million times over in 5 minutes let alone 5 years…
I feel so alone right now
my dear brother, I wish you wouldn’t feel so alone. I love you.
found this on a Xanga post from March of 2005. I must have wrote it beforehand though because one of the comments on it was from my friend Anthony who said, “Everytime I read this story, it makes me sad.” So, I’m guessing he read it a few times before I had posted it. I don’t think I write like this anymore.
No Title.
Hush…You were dreaming. What did you see? What startled you so? What went on in your head? What made you scream so unearthly? Tell me. Tell. Tell me what it is.
It was cold. I could feel it. Look. There are goose bumps on my arms!
Deep in the forest, where no sun shone, I walked alone. The trees cowered above me and clawed at me. Their sinister faces stared, laughing at me and judging me. Oh how they judged me! They judged my spindly arms and compared them to their strong branches. But I walked along, trying so hard to avoid those demon trees. How frightening they were!
But finally, finally I reached a clearing. There, a single ray of sunlight shone. It settled on a single flower. That single flower was being crushed by a tiny stone. I bent and attempted to free it, the only lonely flower there, in that lonely forest, but a deer came rushing out. In a sinister voice, he yelled to me,
No! It is best this way. Leave that flower be.
I did not listen
…That flower withered away…
Hush…it was just a dream. It means nothing now. It’s over. Now go back to sleep. The dream is over and it won’t come back. Trust me. Trust me. Now off to bed you go.
~~~~~~~~~
Hush. What now?! What is this? Why do you shake so? Your face, so pale and damp with sweat… what is it? What did you see? What has been done?
I shudder. I had yet another dream.
I was walking down a road. It was a road of dust and shadows. The night produced no moon, no light. I walked alone in darkness and passed nothing new. I passed no signs of life, no shadows moving. I walked on until the morning sun slowly, oh so slowly rose.
Ahead, I saw a bird. It was crippled in the wing. How I rushed to it, hoping to save it. But oh! Oh how quickly he came rushing between us! That sly fox, how he came in a red blur. He called to me. He yelled to me,
Come no closer to the bird! It is best this way. Let it be.
That sly fox. That stupid fox. How I thought he tried to trick me. So I did not listen. How I did not listen! How I rushed past that sly red fox to try to aid that crippled bird.
A fatal mistake … a fatal mistake
…that bird burned and fell to ash…
Hush. This was yet another dream. The second dream and the sun is not yet out. There are still three more hours left in this night. So go to sleep. Go to sleep. Your dream shall not come back. Trust me. Trust. Go to bed.
~~~~~~~~~
Hush! What’s gone on now? Another dream? Another one? But the night is almost over! Look! The sun is slowly rising. But look! Your face is so pale and you are frightened. So out of breath. Your heart is pounding… what is it? What did you see?
I saw myself, standing alone in one ray of light in an empty hall. There was no sound, there was no color. There was only me and that one single ray of light. But that light was cold. It was so cold. Look at my arms. There, see the goose bumps? They are back yet again.
I sat there, in the light. I stayed there for many hours and no one came, no sound was made, and the light never faded or gave me warmth. So lonely was I that I cried and I wailed but the sound didn’t come. No sound was heard in that vast dark hall. No other light was seen other than that single ray. No other being there but me. Then you came along.
And there you were, so dark and broody, so calm and quiet. You stood still in the shadows and avoided that single ray of light. You had called out to me not. You had looked to me not. I cried to you, I called to you, I begged you to hear me. You couldn’t. Or maybe… maybe you wouldn’t. You didn’t>.
I tried to stand, but I was heavy. I tried to crawl, but I was weak. I tried to scream, but I was breathless. The light made me sick and I couldn’t get away from it. And you, you couldn’t help me.You wouldn’t help me.You didn’t help me.You didn’t know I was there.
But finally you saw me, you heard me, and you called to me. This time it was I that could answer you not, though I heard you. It was I that looked to you not for the cold light had blinded me. It was I that kept still, no strength to leave the light that hurt me so.
So you rushed to me, oh how you rushed to me! But I, broken-hearted, called out,
Stop! Don’t come to me. It is better this way. Let me be.
How I hate that you listened
I wish you had held me. I wish I might have felt even your slightest touch… your gentlest touch…
…just so I might wither and fall to dust…
Hush! You were just dreaming. But it’s over now. Oh how your dreams are over. Trust me. Trust.The night is over. The sun has risen now. Wake up and think nothing more of your dreams.
You touch my shoulder and I cry for you did not listen.For now, at your slightest touch, at your gentlest, most innocent touch, I wither and fall to dust at your side…
…I cry for you can’t save me…
It’s official. I’ve tracked down all three of my Xanga accounts from high school up til I joined DEP for the Navy. The last entry I had ever made into this blogsite was through my account callmeserendipitous on Nov 17, 2008 after I moved back to Waukegan from El Paso. After that entry, I think I had forgotten all about it.
I was reading through all of them. Callmeserendipitous doesn’t have quite as many entries as L00k4m3 or LovEmotionless but it was only up and running for about a year, maybe two. LovEmotionless and L00k4m3 were with me throughout my entire HS career, 2004 - 2007.
Before I rediscovered my old journal sites, I had thought I was only sad beginning in college. I have been enlightened to myself and to my closed off mind. I was sad as a freshman and there are hints that I’ve been sad and depressed my entire life. I have been an angry person as well. There’s so much hatred in the words I wrote, so much judgment. More than those, so much fear of being alone and forgotten and resentment towards my family. I’ve had these feelings brewing within me for a very very long time. It seems I’ve only forgotten when they started. But even knowing that these sentiments have existed for more than 6 years already, that shows there is a massive problem and this will not be an easy fix. How did it really come to this point, I still have no real clue. Maybe it really is just something people are born with. Maybe these feelings really are hereditary. What else could have happened to make me this way? My life could not have been as bad as I remember. But these postings I’ve been reading aren’t necessarily memories but documentations of events as they happened give or take a day or two between.
Apparently, this eating thing has been a problem since I was a sophomore in HS too. I thought I had just started not being as hungry as normal people usually are. Wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about something. I guess being active doesn’t really affect my hunger either because I was very sporty my sophomore year what with tennis and badminton and all that jazz.
This feeling of entrapment has been with me for a long time as well. But I knew that one already. It’s hard to feel free when you know you’re not and never have been.
We spent so many days at the lake during the summer of 2005. I miss those days, when everything could be forgotten, when there was nothing to worry about. I miss being able to escape whenever I wanted to, not have to worry about working everyday, disregarding the fact that my parents didn’t want me to have friends, walking and biking to the lake. I miss the illusion of happiness that only disappeared as the sun went down and I got sucked back into the black hole that was my home while everyone else got to stay on their side of town and make more memories without me in them.
No wonder I’m not a happy person. I grew up jealous of everyone else and their ability to live. And who else do I have to blame for that besides my parents? I could blame myself but that wouldn’t be accurate. When you’re younger, you’re expected to listen to the parental units. My sister got away with blowing them off and doing what she wanted but I always got the brunt of that choice of hers. They swung that hammer down and it always landed on me. So much resentment that has been built after all these years.
How am I to free myself now?
Upon searching for myself on Google, I came across a site of mine that I haven’t accessed since 2007. So I sifted through my old thoughts and I realize how much I miss my mind, the way I used to be able to write so freely and easily, how I used to always have my camera around my neck to take the photos that I did. But that was High School and this is now. Whatever took place between then and now that changed me, it’ll take a while for me to discover but I plan on figuring it out.
However, there are thoughts I seem to have kept all these years and this entry is one of them:
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
when i find the courage and i get the chance,
i will hold you close and make it clear to you
what you already knew to be true.
until then, i’m ever like my trees.
http://l00k4m3.xanga.com