Give me conversations

Let's face it.

I am not a social person. Never have been and never will be.

As many friends as I seem to have, how many of them do I talk to on a daily basis? Zero. Since not daily, how about regularly? Zero. Randomly? Five at most. I have become an almost solitary person. I get enough human interaction from my job to exhaust me for weeks at a time. I’m fine with being alone from the time I get home til I have to get up and leave again.

I can be friendly and outgoing in person or when first meeting me but the people I am socializing with have to be able to keep me that way. I can listen to people talk about themselves and their views and I’ll respect all of it. I’ll nod and agree or disagree accordingly and that’s enough to satisfy most people I encounter but it doesn’t satisfy me.

I can write blogs online, that’s fine. This is probably the only way I will ever talk about myself because it’s your choice to read it. I’m not forcing you to. When I talk to people, I hate talking about myself.  What do I have to talk about myself for? I can draw out my entire life in maybe three sentences…Five max.

My parents named me Mary when I was born in April, 1989. I have an older sister who, for most of my life, I believe has tortured me emotionally though she would argue otherwise. There’s dispute as to what actually happened but we’ll just say it like this: I moved out of my parents’ house in ‘07 during my senior year in High School and house jumped between Tere’s, Anna’s and finally Robby and Claudia’s houses. I went to college for a year in Rochester, NY then a semester at Columbia College Chicago where I dropped out for good. After getting removed from Claudia’s household, I moved back to my parents’ house, lost regular contact with most of my friends, and now I am leaving for the navy in March.

Ok, five sentences.

Everyone else seems to be able to talk for hours and hours about themselves. I just don’t understand it. I can deal with it but I just don’t understand. Other than my history, everything you want to know about me is best learned through experience. And even history doesn’t always matter. How can you keep a conversation going if it’s all one sided? If all that’s discussed is about one person’s life?

That’s the thing, isn’t it?

You can’t.

I still think that conversation is one of the most important things in any form of relationship. But now, I guess the quality of conversation needed is set a bit higher than before. I no longer want just conversation…

It must be enticing.

180045MAURY

Why does everyone on the Maury Show yell when they’re talking to the camera? Hellooooo, we can hear you.

It’s shows like this that show how parts of our society still fail at life.

...

I’m in so much pain. I don’t know if it’s a stomache virus that my dad gave me or if it’s a result of prescription. ugh. my entire body aches. It sucks. Hopefully this feeling goes away a little bit before I have to go to work. I need to get better. I havent worked out in about a week. this is not good.

So, travelling sucks.

I mean, I like getting to the places i want to go to. It’s just the process of getting there that sucks.

I was on time for my first plane. It was the plane that was late. The lady at the desk said that if I were to wait for it, I’d miss my connecting flight. So, she booked me a new flight with a new airline that was supposed to leave sooner.

I went to the new airline and they were delayed. At first they weren’t delayed too much but then they became more delayed and I was going to miss my connecting flight with them also and that would be the last flight out to rochester. So, I was standing there thinking, “oh my god, this sucks.” But the guy at this airline rebooks me again with a different airline and this one is on time. Yay. But at my connection, the ticket guy was a fucking douche. At least that was the only bad thing about that. haha.

So now I’m in Rochester with my friends. Had a beer with them last night. Going to have lunch in a bit and then winging it after that.

I’ve missed this.

Twenty~six Years...

I honestly don’t understand how any two people can stay together for that long. There are so many people in the world, how can anyone concentrate on just one person for forever with so many distractions and what-if’s?

I’ve never been in love and maybe that’s why I don’t understand it.

I'm still 19 and this song will forever apply

It’s not that I’m worried about losing anyone, it’s more like I’m so attatched to the idea of having people who already know me.

The process of meeting people is so tedious and repetitive. It’s the same start everytime: greets, semi awkwardness, then acquaintance. Sometimes it will progress into friendships. But time causes those relationships to fade. Sure, you’re still friends but they do fade.

But it’s ok, it’s all still very worth it.

The world is filled with billions of people just waiting to replace those fading friendships to create their own. Everyone met is important. Everyone we meet will teach us all something different about life and expose something new about ourselves. More importantly, everyone’s lives will be impacted simply because they came into our lives. It doesn’t matter how long they were in our lives, could be just a second or a million years: Our choices affect everyone else’s that we know and even some that we don’t.

It’s a hell of a thing, isn’t it?

You’ve shown me what it is that I want out of life and what I don’t want.

I don’t want to be stuck at home in a dinky ass town doing nothing with my life. I don’t want to be struggling and depressed. I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage with kids that control my life. I don’t want to constantly change who I am to fit in with people around me. I don’t want to be controlled by addiction. I don’t want to become money-oriented. I don’t want to be jealous and angry. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to lose myself.

I want to be happy. I want to travel and be free. If I get married, I want to be in love and if there will be children, I want to want them. I want to be who I am and be accepted for it. I want to be content and peaceful. I want to impact everyone i meet and even those I don’t. I hope to find myself completely. I want to help everyone else acheive the same goal.

I want everything to turn out ok for all of us.

**********************

Nineteen - Tegan and Sara

I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I laid beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don’t even know you
Now we’re saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we’re saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(Call me)
I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don’t even know you
And now we’re saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we’re saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
Flew home,
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset
Cooked up a plan,
So good except
I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)

**********************

My reason for breathing is to change your life.

What other reason is there?

This is not at all what I was planning on writing. I just couldn't write what I want to yet.

I just want to be snowed in now. Just let the snow fall til it piles high, past the bottom window panes. Let me stay here til someone feels the need to dig me out. Better yet, let me just lay in the snow banks as the snow falls til I’m completely covered, til I’m so cold that I feel warm. It’s not that cold, not until heading back inside. I think I’d go and do that now if I wasn’t home. If I were somewhere else. If I could find a forest, a plain, a meadow… somewhere away from streets and houses, I would do this again.

I wish there were a bookstore near my house or at least a decent library.